I started this blog with the intent to
share my poetry. I also considered sharing non poetry posts as well. But I
wanted to be fancy and just do poetry despite not being able to shake the
feeling that I should also write regular posts. I have now made the decision to
share both kinds of writing. There are two main factors in this decision.
The first is that I know God wants me to connect
with other believers and this involves sharing things I go through in my
pilgrimage. People who know me, know I am shy and my written communication
skills exceed my verbal. For some reason, things I can’t choke out
face to face flow out of my fingertips onto the computer screen. I am sure
that sharing will help me. My usual tendency to bottle things up is not
healthy. But I hope that God uses what I share to be a blessing to others as
well.
The second reason is that I feel I should post
regularly on my blog and writing only poetry does not allow for this. My poetry
ebbs and flows. I have been writing poetry for about a year. Over the course of
the year, I wrote poetry for a total of three or four months. Those months
were periods of writing a lot, then there much longer periods of nothing. I
wished to write poetry always, but found I only can in the moments when God is
pleased to help me write it. In the peaks of my walk where I feel the nearest
to him, I can write poetry.
When I say peaks in my walk, I don’t mean to
imply only the times where everything is going well. Quite a bit for my poetry
was written in hard moments, moments of fiery trials. This is how I wrote my
first poem in fact. But in those hard times, God was close, carrying me
through. I define peaks in my walk as the times when my eyes are fixed solely
on heaven, not glancing at the world’s distractions around me. Times when I
truly see that my life is hid in Christ. Sometimes this does happen
during the calm seasons of my life but more often it happens as I go through
deep waters and am left with no hope in earthly things.
Not being able to write poetry regularly also
seems to build humility. If I could always write poems, I have a feeling pride
would puff up. I suspect I would forget that my poetry is a gift and imagine it
was something I somehow conjured up within myself. I know that I
have a gift for regular writing too and that of course
comes from God as well. However, the poetry seems to have a greater tendency to
draw out my pride.
So that is the summary of my two reasons to
share non poetry posts, good reasons, reasons that I have thought about a lot
over the past few month, reasons I thought about but chose not to act
on. Here is the nitty gritty of what moved me to action on this:
This week I have started working on a to do list
that I have been putting off. For a while, I tried to bury this list
and run the other way, putting as much distance between myself and this list as
possible. But my attempts to bury and run from the list have proven feeble and
ineffective. When the Lord wants something done he keeps after me until it
happens.
On Sunday, I struggled to get up for church. I
had been reading something in Isaiah the night before and my Bible was open on
my bed (at a 90 degree angle with one side propped up on a pillow next to me.)
Sunday when the alarm went off I struggled to get up, praying for help. As I
drifted in and out of slumber, the following verse came to mind: "How long will you lie there, O sluggard? When
will you arise from your sleep?" Again drifting
back to sleep, I awoke to see that God had providentially used gravity and my
Bible was open to Proverbs 6. The first thing my eyes saw on that page was
verse 9: "How long will you lie
there, O sluggard? When will you arise from your sleep?" Well, that did it. I was up out of bed, brewing coffee, and
preparing for church. I kept thinking about this and realized the verse also
was a call to get going on my dreaded to do list.
On Sunday afternoon, I
caught up on a sermon online. The sermon warning about the sin of seeking
earthy comforts instead of trusting in God. Then came the prick in my heart
confirming that running from my list was doing exactly that, avoiding things I
perceived as hard and uncomfortable instead of trusting him to help me.
I know God is true to his
word and will chasten those he loves. I know that in wrestling with God, he
always wins. I know that he has brought me through all the hard
things I have endured so far. I hate that I still act like I know best
sometimes and try to run from what he calls me to. I know that if I don’t
follow through on this list, as he did with Jonah, and as he does with all his
people, the Lord will have something prepared to correct me. He loves me enough
to scourge me and make me more like him. I wish I loved him more, that I would obey
zealously instead of with hesitation.
Swallowing my pride, and
writing something other than poetry was one of the things on this list. I pray
that tomorrow I will have the same resolve to continue checking things off, and
the days after as well. I know how fickle I am, and how quick my heart is to
wander and wallow in a lack of trust in our Lord. May God give me the grace to
wander less, and cling to him more. May God give us all this grace.
PS. I have had this written
for a couple weeks and have had a hard time sharing it as I had two foolish
fears. One was the vulnerability of sharing with others and the second was a
feeling of defeat that no one will read it anyway. But an article I came across
about the fear of man addressed the first fear and the second fear was rebuked
when I was reminded of the following verses:
His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a
little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master. Matthew 25:23
And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will
reap, if we do not give up. Galations 6:9
I’m not sure what the future holds for this blog, but I am going to
write and trust God to use it how it pleases him.
